When I was 8 1/2 monthsa pregnant with C (our firstborn) I was miserable. I had gained a whopping 70lbs we had just moved to Texas in an appartment we couldn't afford and Ryan had just taken a job to make ends meet. My husband had a college degree and was making 20k a year. We were on cobra insurance which basically to me meant the premiums where more than our monthly rent. We were in the pool one night wondering how we were going to make rent and we both agreed that we would not ask our parents for help. We were eating Roman noodles and pancakes daily. Looking back on that time now things were much simpler and coming through those hardships has made us who we are today.
So anyway back to the story, my friend Brittany and I went to go watch our friend Kelly play in a college soccer game. My back had been hurting most of the day but with my back history I was chalking it up to a "bad back day." As the evening went on my pain got worse to the point where I couldn't sit without crying. Ryan came and picked me up and we went home. I could not seem to get comfortable and Ryan kept asking me what we should do, terrified I just kept saying "I don't know, I don't know" finally he said ok well I am going to bed. It was then I decided maybe we should go to the hospital just to get some pain managment, I just knew they would send me home! We arrived at the hospital and they decided they would keep me until we had a plan as to what to do. I ended up getting an MRI and it showed that my disc had exploded into my spinal column and was the cause of the debilitating pain. Even to that point I just figured that they would give me medicine and send me on my way to wait out the rest of my pregnancy.
The next day a spine surgeon came into my room, as he was watching the football game on my tv he was expaining to me that he would like to preform surgery on my back before I had my baby. OK I know I was on a considerable amount of drugs but really?? Does this make any sense? We were stunned and me being young and nieve I just thought when a Dr. tells you what they want to do you just go along with it. Well fortunately word got out on the floor and my OB quickly came into my room and said," no no, we are not going to do that, it's to risky you baby is healthy and he can safely be delivered today by c-section" We were going to have our baby in a matter of hours. We scrambled to tell everyone and soon enough I was being wheeled into the operating room.
Now, when you have a c-section no one reminds you that "hey you're getting cut open" I remember hearing the first cry of our baby and being relieved and then quickly wondering if I was going to be ok. Ryan was off taking the most important first pictures of my son and meanwhile I am getting my guts put back together. And then quickly thinking wait is that ok to feel this way? Our son C was born with low blood sugar and my husband walked him down to my family for everyone to see. Meanwhile HELLO am i going to be ok? Where is my baby, MY BABY! Everyone else is looking at him admiring him and welcoming him and his mom who carried him for nine months is still numb and being monitored. I felt like I was already failing as a mom and I had only been one for an hour. By the time I got back to my room our family and friends were already there. C was brought to us and the first time I held my son was in front of an audience. Granted they were all people whom I love but there was no real quiet bonding time. I don't feel like anyone ever talks about these things because its supposed to be a happy time. All the things that go with having a baby everything that can go wrong and here we are meeting our son for the first time what a miracle. How can you see a baby and not believe in GOD? How can I as a mom already not feel bonded to my child? Yes I was happy at the time because I knew thats how I was supposed to feel.
We left four days later and the day we came home to our apartment we discovered a pipe had burst and our living room was flooded. Ryan went to the store to buy me a breast pump because my baby wouldn't latch on and he came home with a USED pump.....yes someone had used a breast pump decided they did not want it and returned it to the store crusty dried breat milk and all! Meanwhile my inlaws were at our house holding the baby while workers cleaned our water mess and we had an industreal fan running for two days straight, all with a newborn and not to mention Ryan and started a new job and we still didn't know how we were going to make rent. So, looking back on my first time mom experience it was aweful, it was depressing, I didn't feel like I had any kind of bond to my beautiful child.
Thank GOD that I HE showed me that it was ok to feel that way, that even though things weren't easy they weren't more than we could handle. I love C so much and he is a blessing and of course I would do it all over again. Thank you God for giving us this miricle and the voice to tell my story, its not a fariy tale, but it's OURS.
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